Social media for the anti-social

It's rough out there 🤐

I don’t like what I see. (Photo by Joshua Rawson-Harris on Unsplash)

Mabuhay. Welcome to Semi-Online #19. Wow, it’s been a while, no? Hi 👋 I didn’t die and resurrect, or live under a rock. But there were times in the past several months when I wanted to go full (Southeast Asian) Luddite, just for kicks.

This is what happened. An ongoing invisible disability, long-term depression, sheer overwhelm and exhaustion from everything and everyone, the death of a close friend and a few more folks in my networks, and big changes in my friendships and relationships drove me “offline” for months.

I use quotation marks because, like most people, I rely heavily on internet access for my daily needs and wants. Say, the books, TV shows, movies, music, and newsletters I love; Lazada/Shopee and home and nesting purchases; or the apps that keep me relatively functional. Then add bill payments, medical appointments, tax filings, and other mundane stuff to that.

So obviously, offline for me doesn’t mean completely OFFLINE. What I mean is I mostly went anti-social:

• I stopped seeing people in person and talking to most contacts on social media

• I stopped all creative/writing projects that may or may not require me to reach outward, including my nonfiction manuscript and even this Semi-Online newsletter.

In short, I silenced and isolated myself for a while, with a few exceptions. But I guess I was too good at it, so now I’m slowly getting back online.

Being willfully off and on the grid again is always a weird experience. On some days, I struggle with a mental atrophy I’ve had since the early COVID-19 years. I feel like I’ve forgotten how to think, talk, enjoy old interests and hobbies, or even be in others’ company. Apparently, there is such a thing as too much introversion 🤭 Then again, it’s good not to be too deep in my brain or drown myself in self-pity. “Everything in moderation” is easy to say, but difficult to practice.

My longish break from socials also reminded me of this article I wrote for 2nd Opinion almost 10 years (!) ago. I shouldn’t be shocked, but I am: in 2024, everyone on social media still acts like they’re Main Characters and thinks their smallest thoughts have life-changing and global value, and you must know all of it against your will. Empathy’s pretty much gone, too.

However, there are a few alarming changes from that 2015 column that made me think I should step back and shut up for a bit, as well as enforce new social media habits.

Too many platforms—and too much splintering

And this is coming from a social media-addicted Millennial who had named this very newsletter Very Online.

Social media has kept us in touch with people we know and love, to the point where most wouldn’t know it’s my birthday unless Facebook tells them it is. It has also reconnected me with folks I haven’t seen in a long time. And it has given me access to communities and groups I may otherwise not have. I have specific Reddit subs to thank (like Raised by Narcissists) for helping me survive an abusive and vengeful narcissist and his enablers, and sort out some lingering anger issues. Social media was also a lifesaver during COVID-19 (e.g., community pantries).

As I write this, these are the most popular/used platforms: Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, X (formerly known as Twitter), Threads, Bluesky, Mastodon, LinkedIn, YouTube, Reddit, and Substack.

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If you’re looking for good content on Substack by Filipino writers, here are a few made by my friends and/or other writers. Not all update regularly, though:

• A Writer from Manila

• Buhay Copywriter

• FireQuinito

• A Foster Home for Old Stories

• Manolo Quezon is #TheExplainer

• Philippines: Human Rights News

• Small Town, Queer Life

• Twisted by Jessica Zafra

Tell me about other Filipino Substacks in the comments, and I’ll check them out 💗

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When we say social media now, it also includes platforms we don’t normally consider. For messaging, we have Messenger, WhatsApp, Viber, Telegram, and Discord. If you’re a true online veteran (a.k.a. online since the boom of dial-up internet and multi-paragraph confessionals) and you still blog, use WordPress, Blogger, Tumblr, or Ghost (which is a newsletter platform, but today blogging and newslettering are essentially the same). And wait, does anyone still go to Pinterest or Snapchat?

That’s a lot of platforms to use and abuse, which leads us to the downsides. In most, we’re inundated by ads, sponsored content, and influencer bullshit—especially if we get free access in exchange for our personal data being sold and traded to third parties. For those wanting to monetize their data and content, you must meet a mountain of country or corporate conditions. For example, Substack still doesn’t allow newsletter writers from countries unsupported by Stripe (like the Philippines) to earn from our writing.

And then there’s the people on socials—the reason why it’s called “social media” in the first place.

Instead of the old model where we go to one platform for everything (think Facebook or the long-dead Multiply), the new model is all about specialization and generational/audience targeting. The most glaring result is we now stay in our preferred bubbles and gorge on their respective poisons.

Think about it. Facebook is where all the fake news-spreading Boomers and Gen X are. The millennials are on Instagram. Gen Z and Alpha + trendjackers of any age? TikTok. Want Global North-centric content? Threads, Bluesky, and Substack are for you—it’s all America/Europe all the time over in these places; POCs from the Global South are fucking rare. Reddit’s also America-first, but it’s also great for anonymously letting out your 😈 inner demons 😈 and indulging in odd-as-hell fandoms. Certified nerd/geek who loves decentralization? Mastodon. How about slowly and painfully killing your soul via business-focused lying and humblebragging? LinkedIn’s your jam.

Along with these divisions come the barrage of, well, everything. Reliable and fact-checked information is drowned out by everyone talking at the same time with their spins about too many things; and we’re all grouped into personal, professional, regional/national, socioeconomic, political, and cultural lines that’ll seldom be crossed. So it’s either we find our so-called tribe (or algorithms pick them for you) and stay in our echo chambers, or (in my case) feel alienated and get sick of folks fighting and bickering about whatever they feel like.

Speaking of fighting and bickering…

Everyone’s mad AF 🤬 (or going clinically mad 🫨)

This is the ideal human behavior, online and offline: if you don’t like what was said or posted/reposted, you either have calm discussions about it or combat it with posts/reposts you like and agree with. Tit for tat, all that. Or you ignore it because, as I said way back in my 2015 column—and as the great Senator Risa Hontiveros said just days ago:

Hindi po lahat, about you.

(Not everything is about you.)

I remember some of my posts on social media (particularly Facebook) from up to two years back. My friends from different stages of my life who’ve never met each other would make respectful and reasonable arguments for or against something I posted. They’d also stick to the topic and rarely bring their biases into it. There was no petty name-calling, cancel culture, ad hominem attacks, or tag-teaming or unrelated commentary from bystanders. My comments section was civil as fuck, and I stepped in only once in all those years when someone flippantly said “Whatevs” to someone else 😆 Any attempts to lure me and others into dumb arguments through traps like “Please explain this to me like I’m a child” or “Let’s agree to disagree, but…” were quickly squashed—and sometimes, by friends who seldom (if ever) commented or came to anyone’s defense. And if you weren’t comfortable enough to comment publicly, you could message me and we’d go from there. Calmly and civilly, of course.

But now, most people say “Delete this”, or worse. The other camp’s ripe for verbal attacks because you’re always right and your opponent isn’t human, so they shouldn’t be treated like one. And once you’re deemed fair game, it becomes a free-for-all (a.k.a. bashing or kuyog in Filipino slang). The rest can pile on and even dig up your old posts/comments to humiliate you until you’ve been thoroughly stomped on and have zero remaining online dignity.

I understand objecting to hateful/criminal/outrageous/hurtful things and behaviors. Countless online posts must be scrubbed from existence, and I’m all for calling out bad actors and actions. Some very recent local instances: every post defending toxic Filipino parenting, those who shit on the concept of consent (especially within marriage!), and a brazen attempt at a ₱10 million theft from the national purse by a tantrum-throwing political Nepo Baby.

But if you’re just nursing mildly hurt feelings and can’t accept that others can have differing opinions and can say those to your face, I’ll tell you to go fuck yourself and/or I’ll shut you out. And I’ve cut ties with friends when I felt they took it too far, were imposing their opinions on me, and were grasping at straws with their arguments—even longtime/close ones whom I loved dearly. I won’t ever take kindly to being policed and preyed on online or offline. Bye! 👋

This same cutthroat conduct has also made it to my friends and Friends lists. I see my same civil and calm friends behave in ways we made immense efforts not to just a few years back. Now, there are a lot of quick assumptions, name-calling, cryptic or ‘parinig’ posts, ad hominem crap, and other toxic and petty stuff.

To think these are just the tame variants. In more extreme cases, we see prolonged harassment, hacking and doxing, and suicide due to online aggression and crimes. It all makes me sad and wary of every online interaction, but that’s where we’re headed as a civilization today (LOL, civil) and I didn’t sign up for this hellhole.

The older we get, the more we turn inward and get left behind

I think I can also blame my anti-socials on good ol’ aging. We’re all not as young as we once were. Our offline responsibilities pile up, our focus and priorities change, and goddammit why do our backs hurt?

We’re all Roger Murtaugh now.

Much like how/why we stop listening to new music as we age, our online presence takes a back seat through the years. We’ll always want to connect and to belong, but maybe now we’re also OK with who we are and how we’ve lived, and don’t have the need or urgency to put ourselves out there as much.

Aging out of being absurdly active online also means we’re not driving the discourse anymore. Gen Z and Alpha are in charge now; not only do I not understand more than half of what they’re saying, but these smartass punks also make fun of me and my generation (and older) for not understanding them right away. Worse, when we do try, they think we try too hard—and are therefore 100% uncool.

Many choose to engage in the “my generation is better than yours” meme wars. Some will use it as influencer content 🤮 or (as a friend and former colleague does) a hilarious way to troll their kids. Like me, some will learn a few words, make fun of the whole deal (and their love of PowerPoint parties), and move on with their lives.

Unfortunately, that also means being limited to our existing online groups and being OK with never being in the know (and reposting others’ content and letting that speak for us). It’s tough for a generation that was as outspoken and mocking of Gen X and Boomers. But it won’t always be our turn, and we have other things to do offline 🤷🏽

Yes, I know 🙄

You can argue that not everyone can go silent or self-edit, or should. Some must stay online 24/7—like those working in social media, PR, marketing, advertising, e-commerce, journalism, government, activism, lobbying, etc.—and many worldwide don’t have the rights and freedoms we take for granted, including for speech, privacy, and choice. Check your privilege, and so on.

But I can step away whenever I wish. I fully understand the significance of my privilege. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again whenever I need to. And I have no problem telling you to do the same if and when and to the extent you can. Try it; going offline for a while and being mindful online are good for your health.

A few new tricks

As I’ve said here, I limit my social media hours and use multifunctional apps to manage the daily info overload. But I’m also trying these tactics:

• Limiting how often others’ content shows up on my feeds. If I don’t like you, you’ve been an asshole, I don’t know you well, and/or your content pops up too often, I’ll Mute, Unfollow, Unfriend, or Restrict you.

• Blocking specific words, phrases, creators, and tags.

• Practicing restraint. Not everything must be commented on or reacted to!

• Being more conscious of/intentional with what I say, and absolutely no appropriating therapy-speak or telling people to ‘educate’ themselves. Look, just being online is already stressful. Take the condescension and self-righteousness elsewhere.

So much for socials. 🤭

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